Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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