I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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