Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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