Don't you send me to vm
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
