Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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