I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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