Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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