I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
