We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
