You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pants are for mortals
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
