She said her name was "party"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
