Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
