So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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