You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize