Im at strip club and am horny
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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