I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
