thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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