Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
