my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
