a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
