Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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