No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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