well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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