he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
