sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
