Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
