I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
