i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
