just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
