Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
