around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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