There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
