I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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