weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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