true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
