there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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