I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
