I skipped work to stalk him.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
