we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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