Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
