You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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