between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
