I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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