careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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