Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
