I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
