u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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