Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
