don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
