fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
