you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
