dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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