If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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