1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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