Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
