Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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