Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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