I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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