My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
