I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you had me at cake vodka
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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