Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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